Each and everyone of us grew in different parts of our life. Each unhappiness met will be a new lesson learnt. When I looked back at my life, I realized that I had quite a lot of unhappiness...lol. But only now did I learn...yeah man, I'm S.L.O.W
Be it academic wise, family affairs or love affairs...I really only realized my mistakes now...I shouldn't have be so dumb and deny entry to SAJC and did not insist on going to nafa and went to nyp instead.
I should have learn to spend more time with my family members, get to know my relatives better, be closer to them.
I should have realized that true love is just a matter of patience, and I should have just continue to wait so as to prevent all the heartbreaks that I had encountered. I knew bei when I was 16 and got together with him briefly. And after that he seemed to disappear. Then we got in contact again when he's in trouble, and the 'briefly affair' started again, in the end?yup, you guessed it, it ended abruptly. After all these, I told myself, we are just not meant to be. So, after that, all my relationships I went in search for guys who love me more than I love them. Most of them didn't last long, some I can say is I'm sick of them, while there are one or two that I really fell in love with them but turns out that they did not love me as much as I thought they did.
Went one big round and in the end I got bei again. haha!! When I looked back, I find it quite funny...in the past, I really cried hard when he just left me without a reason, and it's not just for once!!So, bei, if you are reading this now, this message is for you:
"I had cried for you umpteen times, thinking over and over again why you would do that to me.
When we lost contact, I did tried to find you back, a few times I did, coz I remember your number. But when I finally forgot, I told myself to discard the disappointment and told myself this is really the end to it. However, fate brought us back together again by arranging for us to bump into each other in the most impossible condition. Fate also brought us together as a couple.
But to tell you the truth, I do not hold any high hopes initially because I wanted to protect myself from heartbreaks which I had got from you previously. However, through your actions, I felt that this time round you are serious and I'm also slowly putting back the old feelings that I had for you. At times I'll hold back, not wanting to put in too much because I still feel scared, thus you may felt the insecurities there. But I do hope you understand my situation and the reason of why I'm doing that...If to say insecurity, I felt more insecurity than you do. To be frank, you had wound my heart too many times, and its deep wounds. I'm not blaming you here, I just want to make you understand. I may flare up for nothing, but it's because I'm confused, I'm scared of coming out of the healing zone and I'm angry for that timidness in me. Thus, I hope you'll give me more time and not aggrevate things further. Wounds take time to heal, especially deep wounds. Nevertheless, I still love you, so don't ever think I don't...."
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
Put some Thoughts Into This...
Recently, I had a conversation with a gal friend of mine. And this particular conversation really set my thoughts running...it goes like this:
Gf: Ger, would you be with a person who loves you more than you love him, or would u rather be with the one whom you love yet doesnt really reprocicate the love you had for him?
Me: Erm...aiyo, your question very chim leh...why leh?Why you suddenly ask me this?you got bf liao mah, and he really treat you very well leh!
Gf: Ya i know...but you should know me...i dun really love him that much...im still having feelings for A....
Me: Huh??but...but you do know that A is a bastard rite? He left you for some other sluts!!!And he lied to you for soooo lonnng!!!
Gf: Ya i noe, but i just duno how to not love him! Hes the one guy that really took my heart away..
Me: OMG! ger, dun tell me that you are going to break up with your bf now...Do u actually realized how lucky you are to have him??Whatever you say, whatever you do, hes always so supportive!!And the best thing is he dotes on you like theres no tomolo!!Furthermore, hes even planning the future that he envisioned you being inside with him!!Are you mad?
Gf: I know, I know!!I'm not breaking up with him, just that the more he treats me nice, the more i felt bad and as a result, i'll pick on him!!Every little thing!!Even the way he eats...How??i felt like a witch!!!!So evil~
Me: Yeah man, you are really evil...haiz...ger, u noe wat? In this world, you can nvr have the exact things that you had always wish u'll have. In this case, u'll nvr be with the person whom think that you loved deeply. But, as an outsider, i felt that, its not that u love A as much as you had said. I just felt that you just felt it as a habit being with him. No matter wat, u guys had been together for 2 years plus...but, look, its a fact that he left u, he walked out on you for some cheap sluts, and he even cook up some cock and bull story of why hes putting the relationship to a halt.
And just when you thought Love is turning its back on you, he actually got you another guy. And this time round, Love had a new pair of glasses on, he found the best for u!!U may not love him as much as you had loved A, but feelings can be developed and love has to be nurtured rite?
Gf: Uh-huh...so...i'll just have to continue to make myself think that i love my bf?
Me:....y do i have such a dumb gf??HEY!!!NUT HEAD!!u love your bf k??just not enough!!It might be becos you are holding ur feelings back due to the failed r/s u had with A...Comon, when u just got together with A, its the same thing...u had juz got out of a nasty r/s with X rmbr? and u n A almost cun make it...and to compare, A wasnt so sweet to u as ur bf now...I noe lah, A is more style dats y u like him more rite??
Gf: i'm not too sure oso...but, i realli felt better when i went out with A rather than my bf...felt more proud...
Me: U r a witch man!Style can be develop, trust me...i'm a fashion student..But, once true love is gone, no matter how u pray for it to come back, it will nvr cum back...I realli wants u to be happy...i dun want u to keep indulge urself in dat horrible past r/s with A the bastard!!
Gf: Alrite...i think u do make a point...but i really needs time...
Me: I understand...dun turn ur back at true love k?Open up ur heart, forgets about the past r/s, just keep some for urself to rmbr as a sweet memory will do. Tell urself, u deserved that nice guy out there, and not to some nasty bastard that keep toying with ur feelings making u felt like shit!
Gf: okok...hey, ger, thx ya? REalli felt better after tokking to u...
Thats the whole conversation...well, i believed the question tht my gal friend posted to me will also be a normal question pop up by a lot of pple. The answer??Neither...to me, most importantly is that you felt comfortable, happy and contended with the person you are with noe. That's the most important thing, isn't it?
Gf: Ger, would you be with a person who loves you more than you love him, or would u rather be with the one whom you love yet doesnt really reprocicate the love you had for him?
Me: Erm...aiyo, your question very chim leh...why leh?Why you suddenly ask me this?you got bf liao mah, and he really treat you very well leh!
Gf: Ya i know...but you should know me...i dun really love him that much...im still having feelings for A....
Me: Huh??but...but you do know that A is a bastard rite? He left you for some other sluts!!!And he lied to you for soooo lonnng!!!
Gf: Ya i noe, but i just duno how to not love him! Hes the one guy that really took my heart away..
Me: OMG! ger, dun tell me that you are going to break up with your bf now...Do u actually realized how lucky you are to have him??Whatever you say, whatever you do, hes always so supportive!!And the best thing is he dotes on you like theres no tomolo!!Furthermore, hes even planning the future that he envisioned you being inside with him!!Are you mad?
Gf: I know, I know!!I'm not breaking up with him, just that the more he treats me nice, the more i felt bad and as a result, i'll pick on him!!Every little thing!!Even the way he eats...How??i felt like a witch!!!!So evil~
Me: Yeah man, you are really evil...haiz...ger, u noe wat? In this world, you can nvr have the exact things that you had always wish u'll have. In this case, u'll nvr be with the person whom think that you loved deeply. But, as an outsider, i felt that, its not that u love A as much as you had said. I just felt that you just felt it as a habit being with him. No matter wat, u guys had been together for 2 years plus...but, look, its a fact that he left u, he walked out on you for some cheap sluts, and he even cook up some cock and bull story of why hes putting the relationship to a halt.
And just when you thought Love is turning its back on you, he actually got you another guy. And this time round, Love had a new pair of glasses on, he found the best for u!!U may not love him as much as you had loved A, but feelings can be developed and love has to be nurtured rite?
Gf: Uh-huh...so...i'll just have to continue to make myself think that i love my bf?
Me:....y do i have such a dumb gf??HEY!!!NUT HEAD!!u love your bf k??just not enough!!It might be becos you are holding ur feelings back due to the failed r/s u had with A...Comon, when u just got together with A, its the same thing...u had juz got out of a nasty r/s with X rmbr? and u n A almost cun make it...and to compare, A wasnt so sweet to u as ur bf now...I noe lah, A is more style dats y u like him more rite??
Gf: i'm not too sure oso...but, i realli felt better when i went out with A rather than my bf...felt more proud...
Me: U r a witch man!Style can be develop, trust me...i'm a fashion student..But, once true love is gone, no matter how u pray for it to come back, it will nvr cum back...I realli wants u to be happy...i dun want u to keep indulge urself in dat horrible past r/s with A the bastard!!
Gf: Alrite...i think u do make a point...but i really needs time...
Me: I understand...dun turn ur back at true love k?Open up ur heart, forgets about the past r/s, just keep some for urself to rmbr as a sweet memory will do. Tell urself, u deserved that nice guy out there, and not to some nasty bastard that keep toying with ur feelings making u felt like shit!
Gf: okok...hey, ger, thx ya? REalli felt better after tokking to u...
Thats the whole conversation...well, i believed the question tht my gal friend posted to me will also be a normal question pop up by a lot of pple. The answer??Neither...to me, most importantly is that you felt comfortable, happy and contended with the person you are with noe. That's the most important thing, isn't it?
Monday, October 16, 2006
Treasure
Life is so so vulnerable...terry's mum just passed away due to cancer. Everyone expected it but just not so soon...Uncle told us auntie didnt have any regrets, shes already very contended with what she was blessed with...she's such a strong lady. Looking at terry, my heart really aches...hes putting on a strong front, but anyone who know him well enough will noe that hes bleeding inside. He was so close with auntie....I duno wat to do or wat to say to be able to ease some of his pain, just pray that he'll get over it or at least move on with his life...
During this period of time, when such unhappy things happened, one tends to look back into the past. I looked back at my past, recalling all the ups and downs in everything that had happened in my life at any point of time. I lost my dad at the age of 16, and i only came to terms with it when i was 21. Frankly speaking, im not much of a speaker. I dun lyk to tok to others about my probs, ya, i do tok, but i'll try not to reveal too much. Maybe becoz im protecting myself in one way or another. And i can understand the difficulties of putting up that "Hey, im ok, im moving on well" look. Many times i had cried silently in my room, asking to no one in particular why my life is lidat...
Life and death, so so close to one another....no one will noe what's gona happen to themself the next moment. Will i live to see the sun the next morning?i wun noe...pple often say to treasure the pple, the things around you, but in actual fact, how many pple can manage to do that?not much definitely...
if treasuring is so easy, i wun have so much regrets in my 23 yrs of living....thus, i just have to deal with that fact isnt it?
To Auntie:"You are the kindest and sweetest mum i had ever seen,
You did try your best to fight that horrible battle,
But things just didn't go the way we all wanted it...
You will always be the beautiful mum that we all will remember
You will be missed greatly..."
During this period of time, when such unhappy things happened, one tends to look back into the past. I looked back at my past, recalling all the ups and downs in everything that had happened in my life at any point of time. I lost my dad at the age of 16, and i only came to terms with it when i was 21. Frankly speaking, im not much of a speaker. I dun lyk to tok to others about my probs, ya, i do tok, but i'll try not to reveal too much. Maybe becoz im protecting myself in one way or another. And i can understand the difficulties of putting up that "Hey, im ok, im moving on well" look. Many times i had cried silently in my room, asking to no one in particular why my life is lidat...
Life and death, so so close to one another....no one will noe what's gona happen to themself the next moment. Will i live to see the sun the next morning?i wun noe...pple often say to treasure the pple, the things around you, but in actual fact, how many pple can manage to do that?not much definitely...
if treasuring is so easy, i wun have so much regrets in my 23 yrs of living....thus, i just have to deal with that fact isnt it?
To Auntie:"You are the kindest and sweetest mum i had ever seen,
You did try your best to fight that horrible battle,
But things just didn't go the way we all wanted it...
You will always be the beautiful mum that we all will remember
You will be missed greatly..."
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Time To RElax...Phew~
yippie~!!Assessments are finally over...well...though i didnt do well in it,hmm...its over isnt it?wat to do?haiz..cun change the facts too. So, now have to really buck things up and start the brain up there wrking to its fullest! But, before i do dat, i muz get back all the lost slps and enjoyments 1st!!Especially time with bei.
During those assessement times, i realli let stress took over me. I was constantly tired, pissed and easily agitated and beibei got it worst of all. Now, come to think of it, i felt so bad about it...ouch* So now, i will find time to accompany him and get back the happy times we used to have. I'm sorry bei~
Another thing i have to do is to work as much as i could, as in sales wise. Have to earn lotsa money to avoid cashflow probs...juz endure a few more mths and all these penniless daes will be over PERMANENTLY! YES! I MEAN IT! hee~there are so much things i wana do after graduation...hmm...juz take a look at my wish list, actually its longer than that, juz dat i paiseh to put la...haha~
Lalalala~assessments over...Lalalala~
During those assessement times, i realli let stress took over me. I was constantly tired, pissed and easily agitated and beibei got it worst of all. Now, come to think of it, i felt so bad about it...ouch* So now, i will find time to accompany him and get back the happy times we used to have. I'm sorry bei~
Another thing i have to do is to work as much as i could, as in sales wise. Have to earn lotsa money to avoid cashflow probs...juz endure a few more mths and all these penniless daes will be over PERMANENTLY! YES! I MEAN IT! hee~there are so much things i wana do after graduation...hmm...juz take a look at my wish list, actually its longer than that, juz dat i paiseh to put la...haha~
Lalalala~assessments over...Lalalala~
Thursday, October 05, 2006
THE BIG DAY~
Yeshh....its the big day~no la, no one's getting hitched, its my assessment day!!
So damn stress la....aiyo...dis tym round im very worried, coz everything is lyk not done properly...but lucky i did a skirt mock up...phew~
After 630pm ltr and i'll be free!!!i wish that 630pm will come soon....and i hope the assessors wun be asking much ltr...i have so much to present ltr, and its all marketing stuffs...omg...headache...
So damn stress la....aiyo...dis tym round im very worried, coz everything is lyk not done properly...but lucky i did a skirt mock up...phew~
After 630pm ltr and i'll be free!!!i wish that 630pm will come soon....and i hope the assessors wun be asking much ltr...i have so much to present ltr, and its all marketing stuffs...omg...headache...
Sunday, October 01, 2006
One Step Closer..
The days are passing by so super fast, im one step closer to the assessment...and the darn thing is, i havent realli had most things done!!omg...dis is the 1st tym im rushing lyk hell...somemore its a group work!!i mean, ya, i rushed lyk hell for every sem's assessments, but dis tym round, everything is so messy~i cun stand it!!how i wish, i can restart all dis all over again...but of coz, i noe i cun...have to try to salvage as much as i can...muz realii realli concentrate....-_-
Nelly n me~
Look!!dis is nelly...shes so pretty!!!!and shes a good listener ...very happy to noe her...we have so much in common, really love talking to her...shes mature and understanding...hmm...godsend!!haha~
Going to tour round spore's neighbourhood places to get the best price to sell my hp...i wana get the samsung 870~or is there any cuter phones??hmm....i shall go to my fav place now to check it out!!yeah...EBAY~~~
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